When Bad Beauty Products Happen to Good People

+ highlighting longtime beauty writer Fiorella Valdesolo, a lip balm collab that makes NO sense, and one of Winona Ryder's fave 90s lipsticks is being exhumed.

Welcome back Gen X-ers. And anyone else if you’re reading this! We don’t discriminate against anyone not middle aged. In fact, gather ‘round younglings, we’d love for you to learn from your elders. We’re a little late this month, but we did warn you that our slackdom could creep in…. 

I don’t like u :(

Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Body Wash Must Be Stopped

I don’t know how things work in your home, but in mine, I am in charge of Anything That Touches Your Body: soaps, lotions, counter sprays, laundry detergents, and so on. In the short life of this newsletter, it has already been established that I care about how things smell, which obviously extends to more prosaic categories. With respect to cleaning, my husband and I split the household chores pretty evenly, including a longstanding rule that when one of us cooks, the other cleans. Yet anything pertaining to dish soap (sourcing it, refilling it) is my job. Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Dish Soap is in regular rotation, swapped occasionally for lemon verbena, or basil, if I can find it. So that I purchased Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Body Wash makes sense—it’s a perfectly inoffensive, pleasant scent. Sort of herbaceous, calming, what you want in a product you’re using all the time, right? I thought, let’s take this to the shower, where the most elite cleaning takes place! 

Let me back up a moment. When I covered fragrance for Allure, circa 2011-2013, a big job perk was having access to legendary perfumers for quotes, interviews, or sometimes just shooting the shit—legends like Sophia Grojsman were often only a phone call away. If you don’t know her name, you absolutely know her work—she created Lancome’s Tresor (my BFF Sarah’s high school signature scent), Calvin Klein’s Eternity (swoon), AND MOTHER-EFFING CALYX BY PRESCRIPTIVES (iconic). But she was also a functional perfumer, which is industry speak for someone who creates scents for the household products you use every day. (The term “functional fragrance” has been buzzy over the last few years as a catchall term for perfumes that purport to improve your mood or “amplify your aura,” but this is a different thing altogether.) 

Grojsman also formulated the scent for Downy, which is extremely cool. I asked her about it once, and she said, "When it first came out, I could smell it in the streets, and especially the subway. I could smell it on some women and I said to myself, 'Boy, am I proud of myself,'" she told me. "I am still very proud of it because everybody does laundry. I did that scent for people who can't afford anything else." That always stuck with me. Grojsman valued Downy just as much, perhaps more, as her fine fragrances. Good perfumery is good perfumery, full stop. 

Which brings me back to Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Body Wash—it is not good perfumery. Put contextually, it’s not good perfumery in the sense that you wouldn’t want a Tide body lotion or a GooGone eau de toilette. By that measure, THIS specific scent in THIS specific product is just wrong. Using it made me feel like I was doing chores. The longer I stood there, it was as though I was back in freshman year at The Ohio State University where I worked as a dishwasher in my co-op dorm’s industrial kitchen, rinsing endless breakfast plates and salad bowls—cleaning up after people who expected people to clean up after them. Anywho, that was my shortest shower to date. (As my girlfriend Erin said when I complained about it to her later, “Lavender shouldn’t be… hot.”) Look, I recognize that I am not like most people when it comes to these things, but that shower put me in a really weird headspace. Smells are powerful! Curiously, Lavender is the only Mrs. Meyer’s scent that straddles both the home and personal care categories. I respectfully submit that Mrs. Meyer’s give this one a re-think. — AMG

Fiorella!

THE SAME FIVE QUESTIONS WE ALWAYS ASK
A concept we are directly stealing from Jane Magazine, which used it to interview celebrities. We’re only stealing two of the questions though.

In a world where now everyone is a beauty “expert”, how do you know who you should really listen to? We will tell you. First we must travel back in time, children, because things used to be a lot different. Tik Tok didn’t exist, the beauty looks on runways mattered and people knew who Pat McGrath was. There were beauty editors walking among us and some were writing really amazing, well reported stories.

One of these rare creatures is Fiorella Valdesolo. I think I first became aware of Fiorella when she was the beauty editor of Nylon. She went freelance in 2009 and Iuckily I was able to snag her into writing features for me when I was on staff and needed to fill the pages of a beauty section. Not only is she super cool, but an absolute joy to work with and I’m always happy to see her byline, which still appears everywhere from Vogue to WSJ Off Duty. And on Instagram, she always pulls the best pop culture images to promote her latest work such as this still of Dianne Wiest from Edward Scissorhands. –LH

What secret urge do you get but never act on?

To say fuck the algorithm, bow out of social media, and toss my phone into the Gowanus Canal. [AMG Note: HARD AGREE, but I have discovered a lot of art through Fiorella’s IG and would be sad if she stopped posting!] I feel like we're all on this hamster wheel of content nowadays and the majority of it is deeply uninspiring—I mean, what happened to thoughtful stories about topics that don't have a TikTok shelf life or a link to buy something I definitely don't need? (LH Note: I weep for this lost era. You can tell me I’m rigid and stuck in the past and I’ll accept that but we’ve truly lost something.) My secret urge (OK, now not so secret) is to push back against all of it.

Who is on your celebs-to-make-out with list?

My desire to swap spit with any human has nosedived dramatically of late so this question really took some pondering. I did see Oscar Isaac in a production at BAM last year and he definitely makes my knees buckle a bit. Same goes for Dominic West who has a kind of dirty rakish appeal. And Gillian Anderson has been a stone cold fox in my eyes since her Scully days.

What do you consider beauty snake oil? 

I wrote a supplement story recently and interviewing a slew of doctors and other health geniuses for it further underscored my belief that the vast majority being peddled—particularly the beauty focused ones—are useless; you're literally pissing away money. Neck creams are also utter nonsense; just use face cream on your neck, groundbreaking! And I know I'm in the minority here but I also think hyaluronic acid serum is not doing anything that transformative for your skin (for me, it actually makes my skin worse). Usually in all things beauty and wellness my general rule of thumb is the bigger the product the claim, the more likely it's bullshit.

What beauty product do you re-buy? Like you likely received free at one point but it's so amazing so you will pay for it now

Benefit Lash Primer. I've been wearing it for years because I've found it's the most unmascara mascara that gives my lashes a feathery feel that looks natural, whatever that means. If I had endless money I’d also buy the Serge Lutens mascara which is perfect. [AMG Note: It’s so good, and so hard to come by. I know you can’t really hoard mascara, but I do this one.] My hair texture changed drastically in my forties (postpartum, perimenopause, who knows) and I now have a wavyish, sometimes curlyish thing going on. Anyway, I like what I like for this newish hair of mine so I will buy it: Hairstory New Wash, Roz Santa Lucia Styling Oil (when I run out I’ll probably buy it again and also their shampoo and conditioner is dope), R + Co Acid Wash, and Davines Alchemic Conditioner Red if my color needs some oomph. And Le Prunier Plumscreen SPF 31 is so good too.

What's your beauty media diet? Can be print, websites, newsletters, podcasts, an IG account. Where do you get your beauty news?

Business of Fashion and WWD for beauty biz stuff. Love what Linda Wells is conjuring at Air Mail and I’ve been digging the beauty leaning stories from Dazed and High Snobiety. I’m not much of a podcast gal (too much chatting makes me feel dizzy) but Fat Mascara always hits the right notes. As for beauty visual inspiration, it’s everywhere. Latest place I was getting lots of color inspo from was the Joe Bradley show at David Zwirner.

THIS MONTH IN DE-INFLUENCING
Just why? We call into question the existence of something we just don’t get. 

The item in question: The Augustinus Bader x Sofia Coppola Tinted Lip Balms.

09:25:44 From AM Guarnieri to Lesa Hannah (Direct Message): So….we need to talk about this SC x AB collab. Because I think your first reaction to me was, “WTF”

09:25:59 From Lesa Hannah to AM Guarnieri (Direct Message): Dude

AMG: BRO

LH: WTF was exactly my reaction

AMG: Here is my general beef: For someone whose entire thing is about creating these gorgeous, highly curated worlds for her films, and her life, based on years of reading about her, this feels lazy.

LH: It also feels so off brand to me.

AMG: Like how is this the SAME PERSON who created Marie Antoinette

LH: When I think of brands that represent her, Bader is NOT one of them

AMG: YES OFF BRAND

LH: Here’s what also bugs me–I read that she was already a fan of the lip balm so she contacted the brand about making a tinted version. They then invited her to create three of her own. And the story is that she “brings 20 years of research” to this project because she has tried soooo many tinted balms over the years and —clenches jaw—couldn’t find one that was just right. O H COME ON SHUT UP

AMG: HAHAHAHA. I know the conceit of “this didn’t exist so I made it myself’ makes you homicidal

LH: Doesn’t it make YOU?? It’s every founder story essentially

AMG: Yes, of course, but what offends me more is that TYPEFACE OMG. And I think it represents a lack of commitment/signals a cash grab because it's just branded “with SC.” She didn’t use her full name

Lesa Hannah: Also for someone known for such a distinct vibe—girly—why wasn’t her influence shown on the packaging more? Didn’t you say it looked like Henne?

AM Guarnieri: I think Henne Organics makes nearly the same shades and they’re $20 cheaper (LH Note: The AB x SC ones are each $62 Canadian!!)

LH: And let’s make it clear we are both fans of Sofia, which is why this stings. And is extremely disappointing

AMG: I recently got her amazing book, Archive, where she lays out her mood boards and inspo for her films — for me personally, Lost in Translation had a HUGE aesthetic impression on me — the Araks underwear, the Marc Jacobs wardrobe, the bubble umbrella — I bought so much stuff because of that film!

LH: She also has excellent taste in music, hence the soundtrack to LIT

AMG: I made a special trip to MilkFed the last time I was in Tokyo, even though she’s not associated with it so much now, but because it had her vibe

LH: YES, I had an X-Girl T in the 90s

AMG: YES IT WAS A VIBE — SHE IS A GEN-X STYLE ICON

LH: This just feels unnecessary. She certainly doesn’t need the money and how does Bader really benefit from her? Isn’t their customer just rich women ? I just don’t see fans of Sofia are the same as Bader customers. Even if Bader thinks associating with her makes them seem cool, they should know it doesn't. It just puts us Sofia fans off. Well at least these two.

AMG: That they don’t know it means they need to hire different marketing people

LH: And my final point is on lip balm itself, tinted or not, as articulated by Annie Kreighbaum in her latest newsletter All Of My Opinions Are Your Own:

“Stop making lip balm. This is more for the sake of humankind rather than advice for your brand. Though, at this point I do think that every founder who plans to produce a product that is housed in plastic and has a 15k unit minimum should definitely ask themself, “Are there already more of these existing on earth than we will be able to utilize before the End Times?” If the answer is yes, then your product probably lacks differentiation, which is not only bad news for your brand, but will inevitably contribute to the collapse of society. And then how will you fund your next round?”

AMG: NAILED IT

MY FORGOTTEN FAVOURITE
Not just a 1993 Velocity Girl song, but also a beauty product long gone from the market.

The Gen X red of choice. We're going to assume our queen is wearing it here.

NEWS YOU CAN USE: Lipstick entrepreneur Poppy King just announced that one of her seven original shades and a go-to for Gen X queen Winona Ryder is being raised from the dead. In the 90s, King’s line Poppy was carried at Barneys and Ryder was a fan of “Anger” which is now back in the same formula, from the same Australian factory. It’s time to embrace it again, but without Johnny Depp by your side.

SFB RECORD CLUB
What we’re listening to as we try to live our best lives.

AMG’s Picks

Film: Dig!
This is in my top-10 music documentaries of all time, and I recently learned that an extended 20th anniversary version premiered at Sundance back in January. Dig! follows two 90s-era indie bands over seven years, The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre, at critical junctures in their careers. Directed by the amazing Ondi Timoner (who also directed the crazy good We Live In Public, and I swear to Baby Jesus she wrote for Sassy at one time?), it captures the complex relationship between the Dandy’s Courtney Taylor-Taylor and TBJM’s Anton Newcombe as they attempt to reach something resembling success, while dealing with addiction, infighting, and endless money problems (their own, and seemingly everyone else’s around them). Come for a frozen in amber look at the record industry pre-Napster, stay for the David LaChapelle slander. Shout out to Joel Gion, TBJM’s long-suffering tambourine man, who is the absolute beating heart of this film.

Single: The Dandy Warhols “Boys Better”
While writing the above, I revisited this song from their 1997 breakthrough album The Dandy Warhols Come Down. It was a favorite when the album came out, and am glad to report it still slaps, as the kids say. “Not If You Were the Last Junkie On Earth” got most of the attention, mainly for its bloated David LaChapelle-directed video, which needs to be seen to be believed. But this song, to me, distills what the band wanted to be about at that time: loud guitars, psychedelic keyboards, and lyrics that describe what it’s like to be young, hot, and broke. 

Album: The Brian Jonestown Massacre Bravery, Repetition & Noise
According to Wikipedia, TBJM have released something like, between 20-30 albums—theirs is a dense discography, and they keep releasing music. If you’re looking for a way in, I recommend this album from 2001 because it’s glorious all the way through. Jangly, twangy guitars; spare drums; lovely melodies—it’s poppy and it’s accessible and it makes you wonder why they didn’t quite break through. Standout tracks include “Just for Today,” “Open Heart Surgery,” and my favorite, “Nevertheless.” 

Lesa’s Picks

Song: “Light In A Quiet Room” –Ride
Listen, Ride’s sweet spot for me is always going to be the early 90s. I even wrote about Nowhere for the 1993 issue of Sassy I guest edited, citing it as an album that basically changed me. Things kinda went downhill for me post 1992. I obviously showed up for their reunion tours in 2015 and those reunion albums were….fine? (I will say it’s incredibly comforting that both Mark Gardener and Andy Bell’s voices have not changed AT ALL since the 90s. They still sound like those boys with floppy hair in stripey Ts). So it was with slight trepidation that I listened to their newest album Interplay. THIS song is the standout for me. Just wait until the 3:47 mark. OOOOFFFF that’s the stuff I’m here for! Just a cacophony of noise and Loz’s furious drumming. Inject it straight into my veins.

Album: Romanticism–Hana Vu
This album showed up in a few music pitch emails but it got lost in the clutter until yesterday. I put it on and dude, I haven’t turned it off! I knew nothing about Hana Vu but turns out she is all of 22 (!) and has released a record that sounds like it should be someone maybe ten years older? I only say that because at 22 most of us were pretty useless. Not Vu—she’s written twelve guitar driven, synthy songs with well crafted hooks and endless anthemic moments. A true prodigy, she’s playing a tiny Toronto venue in July and I will be there.

Album: Rid of Me—PJ Harvey
Rid of Me came out in April of 1993 and I remember my friend Geoff was deeply into it. But it wasn’t until my boyfriend cheated on me in August of that year that the album really hit me like a ton of bricks. Her pain and anger and horniness was the perfect storm that I needed to move through all my feelings on the incident. To this day, it remains essential, vital listening for me. (Hat tip to the late Steve Albini who recorded Rid of Me and according to PJ, changed the course of her life.)

ICYMI, I interviewed some 90s music legends recently: for Stereogum I spoke to Emma Anderson, Deb Googe and Rachel Goswell, all shoegaze legends still making music in middle age. And for The Toronto Star, I interviewed feminist icon Kathleen Hanna about her new memoir, Rebel Girl. I AM NOT WORTHY